i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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