If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
