What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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