I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i love accidental penises.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize