Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
