Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
