my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
