I cannot find my penis.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
