I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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