Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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