Four minutes until I can fart!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
