Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
