If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
