Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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