Me too!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
