I wish I could punch you in the face.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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