Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
