Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize