OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
