Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
