Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
