I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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