Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I cannot find my penis.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
