My liver just broke up with me...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
