Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
