I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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