The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
