well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize