Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
