I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
