dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
