textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
