I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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