I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
