got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
