Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
