When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
