I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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