I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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