my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
