wanna go halves on a baby?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
