Michael Bay diarrhea
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
