Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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