you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
