there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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