she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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