life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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