You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
