i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
