my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
