I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
