My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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