I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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