I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
