Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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