I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
