weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
