I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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