I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
