I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
