sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
